It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
