I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
