I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Randomize
