I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
