yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
