it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
