so explain again why im purple
no
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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