if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
