saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
