I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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