I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
