I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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