had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
