All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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