You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
