I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
