So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
