Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
