he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
