Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
