I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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