theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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