Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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