nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
This toilet bowl is my home.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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