I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
