i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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