Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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