Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
