Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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