i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
