We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
