I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
