I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
