he thought i was a dude.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
