I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
