I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
