I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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