I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
