i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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