So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
