i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
