Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I want to have your abortion
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Less talking, more tequila
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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