If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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