i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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