I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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