Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
