There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
