finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
