I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
