I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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