my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
