Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
