I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
