no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
