All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
