woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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