I wish I only lived at night.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
