This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
